By Frank Zappa
An evil scientist lusts for revenge after being laid off at a missile plant in the valley when the government contract is canceled.
Using equipment stolen from the plant over a period of years (assembled in a deserted Van Nuys garage) and some recipies for mystical potions from an old book. UNCLE MEAT and his Mexican slave, BIMBO, prepare to rule the universe with an army of mutant monsters.
A rock & roll combo is kidnapped from the Whisky A-Go-Go. Disguised as groupies, UNCLE MEAT and BIMBO lure the unsuspecting victims to their garage on the pretext of giving them a chance to expand their consciousness. They arrive at the garage and are given paper cups full of Kool-Aid, which is drugged.
UNCLE MEAT and BIMBO place the victims on little mechanic’s carts from under an old Nash in the corner and cover the limp bodies with the psychedelic posters they have used to conceal the lab equipment. They prepare to administer the serum.
Each victim is given a blast from the nasal mist squeezer.
UNCLE MEAT (who never really cared for BIMBO) takes him by surprise, grabs his head and stuffs the unit up his nose. BIMBO collapses, unconscious on the floor.
UNCLE MEAT explains to the audience that when he throws the switch on the wall,
the minds of his victims will be completely reprogrammed with the details of his master plan.
He pulls out a roll of computer tape and places it in the machine. The tape will be played directly into the brain through had gear placed on the victims.
When the process is completed not only will their consciousness be expanded, their brains will actually be enlarged.
He explains that the human skull (a hard bone) doesn’t really leave much room for the type of tissue growth the victims will experience here, and the enlarged brain will extend through the sinus cavity into the noses of the group. This area has been softened by the nasal mist and will reshape itself to accommodate the extra brain cells.
He throws the switch. Under the posters, the noses become erect. UNCLE MEAT explains further that the mutants have been equipped with a secret MIND-DESTROYING VOCAL DRONE MECHANISM. The sounds attack the glandular system of the victim, destroying his will and forcing his body to quiver helplessly, while crazed fantasies race through his mind.
UNCLE MEAT drinks a potion that will make him immortal. The screen is lit with a stereotyped bolt of lightning. The rustle of the posters is heard off screen … the mutants are rising.
We see the streets of a city, (high angle shot) filled with conservatively dressed people bustling about. Suddenly, a woman screams, drops her purse and points into the sky. People gather around her and look up to see what’s going on.
A greenish shadow covers them … they are frozen with terror.
We see a reverse angle shot from their point of view … looking out toward the city’s skyline. Towering above it, swaying titantically, snatting immense white-gloved fingers & lip-syncing their latest hit, RUBEN & THE JETS prepare to destroy everything that contemporary civilization stands for.
The crowd is hypnotized.
They begin to writhe & quiver & huddle closer together. The moon & the stars come out. Brightly colored crepe paper streamers descend from the buildings all around. Men & women hug each other close & begin to dance in the street (super teenage romantic 1950 style). Zoom in on a couple as they kiss & dance …
dissolve through distortion glass to a dream sequence of 1950’s drive-ins, make out parties, high schools, the Korean War & “I Like Ike,” intercut with the titanic RUBEN & THE JETS— brain-snouts flopping in slow-motion.
Cut abruptly to a close-up of UNCLE MEAT speaking directly to the audience:
“Certain sounds at certain intensities have amazing effects on plants & vegetables. They’ll never take me alive! Ha Ha Ha!”
His laughter fades in echo as we dissolve to a starry night in the desert.
It is quiet except for a little light wind. We are traveling across the wasteland toward a huge hydro-electric dam. Dynamo hum increases as we near it. We cruise over the dam itself and appear to land on the top of one of the high voltage towers nearby.
A shot from the ground level reveals a mysterious ice box white ’39 Chevy taco wagon helicopter has come to rest at the top of the tower. The door opens and a white gloved hand reaches out with a giant snipper. It cuts THE BIG WIRE. Sparks fly all over & the wire falls to the ground.
The camera moves in to an E.C.U. of the hot wire as footsteps come crunching up out of the darkness. A gnarly hand reaches for the wire, picks it up and drags it away as the camera follows. The wire is dragged quite a distance until finally the dragger of the wire whips a giant ready-to-go electric plug out of his pocket, attaches it to the wire, and plugs it into an enormous female socket built into the ground. The sun is beginning to come up. We pull back for a wider view. Standing by the big wire & big plug & big socket is UNCLE MEAT. In the distance we can see the taco wagon helicopter lift off and float toward him in the sunrise.
Over the shoulder of the Chevy helicopter driver, through the chopped front windshield, we see UNCLE MEAT, surrounded by a lot of big wires, all plugged into the ground, some gigantic science-fiction type electrical switches nearby, and a truckload of large hotel lobby flower pots with leafy green plants in them. All this is poised on the edge of the Grand Canyon. The helicopter settles in the nest of plants. UNCLE MEAT runs over with a pair of microphones on short stands.
He places them behind each of the Chevy’s crimped exhaust pipes, and throws a big switch, converting the Grand Canyon into a gigantic amplifier. RUBEN revs up the engine and backs off the pipes. UNCLE MEAT jumps in the Chevy. The sound of the pipes (amplified like the roar of a rocket engine) causes the plants to grow like Jack in the Beanstalk, lifting the Chevy into outer space. As the vines streak upward, large grotesque pods grow under the leaves and flop off on the ground near the big switches and into the canyon.